Why climate change is fantastic
Climate change is fabulous. I think it might be one of the greatest accomplishments of humanity and it is utterly incomprehensible to me how anyone could not fully understand the brilliance of global warming and the changing climate.
These are my 5 reasons why climate change is awesome!
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1. I can get my beach condo
As I am a scientist, and more specifically, a biologist, I make tons of money in a parallel universe (that would be my dreams), but not very much in this one. This unfortunate fact has made one of my dreams fall flat: my beach condo. The lack of a beach condo is terribly upsetting and has been the cause of many sleepless and tear-filled nights. However, after having plotted the expected sea level rise along the German North Sea coast, this dream suddenly did not seem so far-fetched anymore.
Even though the COP21 agreement waffles on about a 1.5-2 degrees Celsius increase, most of us are aware of that a more reasonable temperature increase is around 4 degrees. This is good news for my condo plans since I expect the exorbitant European beach-condo prices to sink over the coming years. The reason I predict this price drop is not that all of them will be below water any soon, at least not during my lifetime, but the more frequently occurring flash floods will most definitely scare away a few of the less determined individuals from the market. I will get my beach condo, even if it is only for a few months.
When I am old, I will go down sipping martinis as my furniture and my house is carried out to sea.
I actually find this idea quite romantic.
2. I will never have to pretend liking oysters again.
Oysters are disgusting. Come on, let’s just all admit it: they taste like living snot. Why on earth would anyone want to eat living snot? Thankfully, climate change will take care of these ill-flavored bastards and eliminate them from the surface of the Earth. No more awkward moments at the cocktail party when you realize that you are expected to gobble down a sentient version of Aunt Emma’s morning cough as hours d’oeuvre.
One of the reasons for the imminent demise of these creatures is ocean acidification, also called “global warming’s equally lovely twin” (I am paraphrasing somewhat here).
Yes, I will explain what ocean acidification is…
You know that weird feeling you get in your mouth when you eat a slice of lemon, like if someone had gone over them with a way too coarse sand paper. It is not a pleasant feeling. What happens is that your tooth enamel gets attacked by the acid in the lemon and starts to dissolve. In this case, it sounds more terrible that it is since we have saliva to protect us from the acid. Therefore, your teeth will not dissolve just by eating a slice of lemon or having a glass of Coca-Cola (would be a pretty cool party trick though…played on someone else of course). Fortunately, there is a similar effect on oyster-shells since they are mainly made of calcium carbonate too, but they live in this acid soup, so the effect is a tad more dramatic than just having a quick glass of Coke.
The excess CO2 in the air dissolves in the water and becomes carbonic acid, a weak acid, but strong enough to change the pH (a scale measuring acidity) so that marine organisms become affected.
Even if we would reduce the CO2 emissions right now, there will still take a lot of time before the system stabilizes. This means that we can wave bye-bye to oysters too, and I would never, ever have to be exposed to their wobbly terror ever again!
3. Swedes might not have to pretend to understand Danish anymore
Denmark will become significantly smaller over the centuries to come, and fewer the Danish speakers, particularly if the Antarctic ice cap collapses, and I am totally counting on that, but hey, that is a small price to pay for not having to stand there like a fool at parties nodding and smiling, trying to pretend to understand what the Danish host is saying and dealing with my feelings of insufficient coolness next to them. I am thinking about my grand-grand-grand children.
Denmark will probably be reduced to a great landing place for a seagull: a rock in the ocean. But, in the more immediate future, we will have to deal with unruly Danes having fun at the expense of good rule-abiding Swedes.
However, despite Copenhagen being twice as fun as Stockholm – IT WON’T BE FOR LONG!!!! Flash floods and terrific storms will make life tough in Copenhagen. Oh, snap, I forgot, great parts of Stockholm will be affected too. Oh, never mind, it is a bit like the Maldives or any other island state no one gives a crap about: who needs Stockholm?
I wonder where our new capital will be located? Malmö? No, Malmö will be most likely experience flash floods too. A bit of shame actually, I like Malmö. Actually, most of our big cities are along the coastline. This is indeed somewhat unfortunate. Luckily, there are other alternatives; I’m sure. Fagersta? Yes, that choice would most definitely cement the Swedes as a reliable political force to count on. Fagersta – the capital of Scandinavia. I grew up in this backwater. Note that on the Wikipedia page, the first thing mentioned is that there is a railway station.
4. I might actually go swimming in the summer
I have a confession to make: I hate outdoor bathing. I despise it. I am also a marine biologist. Even I can see that this is a weird combination. I wish I could explain my choice of profession, but I think that I probably would require some 200-hour psychoanalysis sessions to figure that one out. I’ll get back to you about that.
Water is cold and nasty in Scandinavia – don’t believe those photoshop-edited commercials of nude and laughing Swedes jumping in the glittering water: it is arse-cold, and they (the blond, jumpy, happy people) probably had to drink a fair amount of schnapps to be able to enter the cold terror called “the ocean”. Global warming might change this, at least, the maximum summer temperatures will be reasonable. It will get warm and lovely at times at least.
I know that I am betting on that the Gulf Stream still does its job, or it will get freezing in Scandinavia. The Gulf Stream starts in the Gulf of Mexico and runs along the Norwegian coast and is warming the harsh Scandinavian climate, preventing permafrost from setting in (that is that type of frost that does not go away, and it is terribly annoying. Just look at Siberia). Another case of the Norwegians trying so hard to being so “special” compared to Sweden with their fancy fjords and all that sugar-sweet nature and oil and stuff and the Gulf Stream too. Bah! Sweden is also special. We have trees. Many trees. If you like trees: go to Sweden. It is like a tree-desert.
On a different note: don’t you think it would be funny to observe the traffic chaos on the British Isles if the Gulf Stream would stop? I mean, those guys freak out after two centimeters of snow. Though, I admit to this being hilariously funny, I still would prefer the warm summer ocean to playing a climatic practical joke on the Brits.
I will thus remain carefully optimistic on this point since there are some chances that the Baltic Sea might turn into a toxic, bacterial slurry due to the increasing temperatures. It might get quite stinky actually. But since I am completely convinced of my white privilege rights, this is of no real concern as I will just assume that I can settle just anywhere at any other nice coastline in the world because I am really, really special.
5. There will be awesome action on TV
There will be so much action going on in the world that it will be hard to keep track of it all! There will be mega-storm, super-mega-frost and snowfalls, the-world’s-most-crazy-rainfall, amazing-trailblazing-mega-super-giga-fires… It will all-in-all be spectacular! I just need to build some solid fences around my beach condo and add some insurances for weather-induced damages.
So pour a martini, darling, and let’s make a toast to climate change.
What YOU can do to promote climate change:
- Fly everywhere, even to work if you can: every day.
- Buy all kinds of shit you don’t need.
- Only eat fresh food – throw the rest in the bin.
- Who the hell wants a silly bike?
- Eat meat every day, with meat and meat on top. Make a sauce for the meat made of meat.
- All your vegetables you consume MUST be out of season and greenhouse grown.
Thank you so much! With your help, I can get my beach condo before my retirement. I love you, guys. You are the best!